We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
