how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
