If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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