I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
