The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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