You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
