Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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