when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
