You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Acid is not a monday night drug
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
