How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
