you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
