I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
