And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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