Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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