Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
