guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
