I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
