My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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