just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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