Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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