i don't plan on having that self control this summer
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
