Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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