i'm signing you up for texting rehab
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
