Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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