the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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