I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
