A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
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