first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
