So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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