smell my finger.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
