just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
