This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
