I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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