he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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