One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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