i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
