Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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