alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
