and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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