We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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