I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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