Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
