just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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