thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
