Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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