i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
