I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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