I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
