I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
