I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
