you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
