you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
