So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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