Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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