Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
