You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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