His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
