dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
