I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
